Red

I know that it has been a long time since I have posted anything, but to say that I have been busy is an extreme understatement. Being in DC has been an AMAZING experience, but I have been SO busy ever since I arrived here. I have been going to school, working full-time and volunteering as a tutor at a bilingual school. The only down time I really get is during the weekends and at that time, I see it more appropriate to rest and talk to my soldier. The countdown has begun, and all I can say is that it has been harder than I thought it would be, but due to being busy all the time, the days have been going by faster than I expected. I miss him every single second of every single moment of every single day. I miss seeing his smiling face infront of me without a computer screen seperating us. I miss holding his hand. I miss his hugs...I miss him. But I am thankful that I get to talk to him and see his smile, even if there is a computer screen seperating us. :) On another note, I got something in the mail that made me very happy. I ordered a Red Friday Paracord Bracelet from a site called My Hero's Keepsake (http://www.myheroskeepsakes.com/) and  it was in my mailbox yesterday. Now, I can always wear red on Red Fridays! :D Seeing it on my wrist is comforting. It lets me know that no matter what, my soldier is always here with me, because he is in my heart. :) Because every time I look at that bracelet, I think of his smile and of the day he is finally going to be home. And that is going to be a glorious and amazing day. Until then, I'll just continue loving my soldier and praying for him, his (and my) friends that are with him, and every other soldier out there.

"No matter where it is in the sky...no matter where you are in the world...the moon is never bigger than your thumb." -Nicholas Sparks-

Loving a Military Man

A picture is worth a thousand words, and this picture says all I needed to say.

"So don't you worry your pretty little mind. People throw rocks at things that shine, and life makes love look hard. The stakes are high; the water's rough, but this love is ours." -Ours by Taylor Swift-

Close your Eyes

How do you say goodbye? That question has been in my heart since the moment I fell for him. How will I be able to say goodbye for almost a year? It's not a permanent goodbye, and I know that we will be in touch through letters, e-mails, and calls, but it's still difficult...it's difficult to express all of my thoughts and feelings in a single "I'll see you soon." I have been thinking intently about this for the past few weeks. I don't know how to tell him all I want to tell him when the dreaded day comes and he has to leave. It is closer now, and I am stuck. I've had to say many goodbyes before, but this is a different kind of goodbye. He is not going on a vacation. His days won't consist of rainbows, butterflies, and sunshine. His daily activities will be a little more life threatening. Yet, I know that my soldier will find a way to see the beauty and blessings in each day, like he has always done. And I know that I will do the same.

To me, it is extremely frustrating when I hear people say something along the lines of "He will be gone for almost a whole year? How are you going to handle that?" That is a very good question, BUT it gives me comfort that hundreds of thousands of mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, wives, husbands, girlfriends, boyfriends, daughters and sons, etc. have "handled that" before me. I am not the first and I won't be the last that has to face this. There have been thousands before me and there will be thousands after me. And somehow, that gives me a sense of comfort. When people ask me if I can handle it, I feel like they are suggesting that I can't be as strong as those who came before me, and in those moments, my pride kicks in and I become the fighter I was born to be. I can do this.

Yet, that question is not the one that frustrates me the most. The question that drives me insane is the one that goes something like this: "Are you going to wait for him?" I mean, quite honestly, I mostly want to laugh at that question. Granted, we aren't married, so we have nothing contractually binding us to stay together, so in one way, the question is well founded. But, in another way, it reflects a few things about the asker's character. She/he is indicating that she/he thinks that it is okay to break off a perfectly functioning relationship, just because one of the partners is going away for a certain amount of time. In my opinion, it reduces the relationship to something solely based on physical presence, instead of something encompassing so much more! And on top of that, my boyfriend is going away in order to perform duties that ensure the asker's freedom, even if she/he is completely unaware of it. One can agree or disagree with the US involvement in Afghanistan or Iraq, but one cannot disagree with the self-sacrifice of all the soldiers. So, WHY would anyone think that I would want to break off my relationship with such a person? Why would I break off my relationship with a person who is selfless and caring? If I did that, I would seriously be out of my mind.

No matter what people tell me, when I see the pitty in their eyes, I become livid. They seem to forget that my position is the "easy" one.  They forget to respect the fact that his position is a thousand times harder than mine. I am just losing him from my daily life...he is basically losing his daily life. Well, not losing it, but I guess trading it. Trading every daily freedom and luxury for a life on a base, for meals at the chow hall, and the list goes on and on. He is trading all these things, in order to do the job he has been training for. So, even though I may want to wallow in my sadness, complaining about how much I am going to miss him, I don't have the heart to. I don't have the heart to, because I respect the fact that HIS position is the difficult one, not mine. I am not going to lie, on occasion I wallow in my sadness like it's going out of style, but I try to keep it short. Both for his sake and mine.

One day soon, he will be getting on a plane that will be taking him to Afghanistan. Usually, when someone you know is getting on a plane, you wish her/him a good flight. But somehow, the flight doesn't seem important to me. What is important to me is the landing. It is all about the moment he gets there. I wonder how that will make him feel. I wonder how I will feel the moment I have to tell him my final "I'll see you soon," before he steps on that plane. I know that part of me will try to pretend that this is like any other "I'll see you soon" we've said. I will try to pretend that in a few days  I will be seeing him again, and I will try not to cry and turn into a basket case. But, part of me will want to give that moment the honor and respect it deserves. I want to acknowledge the fact that I won't be seeing this wonderful man for a long time. How can I convey in a single "I'll see you soon" all these emotions? How can I say "Be safe," "Do a good job," "I'm so unbeliveably proud of you," "I'll miss you," "I can't wait to see you again," "It has been an honor knowing you and I will always cherish the time I have spent with you," and "Come home to me" all in one single phrase? I hope to find the answer to that question soon.

"Close your eyes, and let me tell you all the reasons why I  think you’re one of a kind. Here’s to you, the one that always pulls us through, always do what you've got to do. You’re one of a kind, thank God you're mine. You’re an angel dressed in armor. You’re the fair in every fight. You’re my life and my safe harbor, where the sun sets every night. And if my love is blind, I don’t want to see the light. My soul is yours to save, and I know this much is true, when my world was dark and blue, I know the only one who rescued me was you. When your love pours down on me, I know I’m finally free. So, I tell you gratefully, every single beat in my heart is yours to keep. You’re the reason why I’m breathing. With a little look my way, you’re the reason that I’m feeling it’s finally safe to stay." -Close your Eyes by Michael Buble-

The Old and the New

Another year of my college education has come and gone. I am no longer a sophomore. I am half way through my college education, and it seems as if I just started. I can still feel the excitement, the fear, the worry, the anticipation, and the absolute joy I felt the moment I got in my car and drove towards my college: towards my future. It hasn’t been the way I imagined it would be. It has been so much more! I have had moments when I thought I would never get out of a class alive. There have been moments that tested my patience and my faith in myself. There have been moments when I wanted to run away screaming and never come back. But mostly, there have been moments when I have felt bliss. I have felt pride. I have felt blessed.

As I packed my things and left my dorm room, I couldn’t help but feel a momentary sense of fear. I couldn’t help but feel as if I was leaving a part of me behind. And in all honesty, I was leaving a part of me behind, in the same exact way I left a part of me behind during my first year of college. This time, I was leaving back the little girl inside of me that has always been afraid of changes. As a transfer sophomore student, I learned the importance of confidence. I learned the importance of stepping up to the challenge even when you are trembling with fear. I learned how to speak up for myself and the ones that don’t have a voice. I learned how to say “no.” Believe me, "no" is such a loaded word for a young woman who has always said “yes.” Yet, I saw that life is much more than just saying “yes” or "no." Life is about looking at your choices and your opportunities, and deciding what is good by your own standards: not by someone else’s. My sophomore year has taught me so much. I have had to make choices that I never thought I would make. I have had to look Fear in the eyes and say “Try me.” I have had to look people who doubted me in the eyes and say “Watch me.” To sum it all up, I have had to grow up and have faith in myself. I cannot say that I am not scared anymore. That would be a huge lie. I am scared about things. I am scared about my soldier leaving...I am scared about re-adjusting to an every day life that won't include his sweet texts and our daily phone calls. I am scared out of mind about everything that's to come. But, this school year has taught me a few lessons. It has taught me how to be strong. It has taught me how to have faith in my God and in myself. It has taught me the importance of love. And it has taught me how to love. I have been blessed beyond my wildest dreams -both in my personal life and in school. And I wouldn't change a thing.

My summer break has started, and I am returning to my old routines. I have already started working at the restaurant I worked at all through high school. I have already started seeing my friends and spending time with my family. Even though all these things are old, I am also experiencing new things. I am experiencing the excitement and nervousness that comes with getting prepared for a trip that is going to change my life. This summer I am going to be a student at The Washington Center. I will get to take classes and intern at the nation’s capital. I cannot even begin to describe all the feelings that are surging through me. Anticipation. Excitement. Fear. Uncertainty. Hope. All these feelings have taken up permanent residence in my heart, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I am ready to see what my future holds as my check-in day is getting closer and closer. I have two more weeks. Two more weeks of “the old,” before I face “the new.” I have two more weeks before I am on my way. And I could not be more ecstatic. Yet, I also have a few more days before he is on his way. A little while longer before he leaves and takes my heart with him...for now, I am going to hold on to the hope his love gives me. I am going to hold on to the hope God's love gives me as well. I am going to hold on to the fact that we have decided to share our walks in Christ; we have decided to walk alongside each other while holding His hand. I am going to hold on to hope and love. As my sophomore year of college is taking its place in my past and in my memories, my summer is just beginning. Here’s to the old and the new: here’s to life, love, and hope.

"'Cause your shine is somethin' like a mirror, and I can't help but notice that you reflect in this heart of mine. If you ever feel alone and the glare makes me hard to find, just know that I'm always parallel on the other side..." -Mirrors by Justin Timberlake-

Somewhere

If you love me, don't worry about the distance,
Don't worry about where I am or where you are,
Just hide me deep inside your heart
And we will meet each other somewhere.

If you love me, cross the border lines with me,
Don't look back, don't let go of my hand.
Forget the should not's and must not's,
And we will meet each other somewhere.

"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." -Isaiah 41:10-

Flowers

First of all, I would like to take a moment to express my sincere and outmost sympathy to the families of the people that were affected by the Boston bombing and the families of the people that were affected by the Texas plant explosion. My heart goes out to all of them. I cannot even imagine how that feels...I can't imagine finding out that a person I love is not coming back home. I cannot imagine finding out that I will never see him or her again. My heart has been aching since Monday and Wednesday came to add to that ache. I pray to God that He will rest the souls of every person He called Home, and I pray that He will give peace and strength to their families.

On Monday, when I heard the news, my first instinct was to pray. When I was finished praying, I stood there staring at the screen, with tears running down my face, and something caught my attention: the footage that shows two men dressed in military uniforms running towards the smoke and the chaos to help those that needed them. As I stood there looking at the screen, my heart skipped a few beats as I thought of my soldier. And then my mind started racing. How will all this affect his life? How will it affect his job?

My soldier is well. My soldier is still on American soil, but I can't help but think about the fact that in less than a month he won't be on American soil anymore. He is leaving and taking my home and my heart with him. I pray every night and every moment of my day that he will be safe and happy while away from me. I pray that he will protect his battle buddies and all of us, and then return safely home to me. I trust him and I trust our God. I know that He will take care of my soldier, and that thought keeps me going, even when things get tough.

On a happier note, he sent me flowers on Wednsdey. Twelve beautiful roses. I am looking at them as I am typing this and I can't help but smile. He is so good to me. So loving and so caring. I don't know what I would do without him. He is my angel. As today comes to a close, I can't help but thank God for bringing him in to  my life. He has been such a blessing to me, and I cannot wait until I get to be in his arms once again. I cannot wait until I am home again.

"Settle down, it will all be clear. Don't pay no mind to the demons that fill you with fear. The trouble, it might drag you down. If you get lost you can always be found, just know you are not alone, 'cause I'm gonna make this place your home."

I'll See You Soon

"I'll see you soon." That's our signature phrase. I used it in my first letter to him and it has stuck with us now. :)

Today, I told him my final face-to-face "I'll see you soon." For the next eleven months my "I'll see you soon"s will be told in letters, e-mails, and the occasional calls/Skype calls. I don't think that reality has completely hit me yet. I fear the moment it will hit me, but for now, I am going to accept God's grace. I need this numbness to last as much as possible...

I took him to the armory this morning and I got to see him stand in formation. And even though I was fighting back tears, I felt so very proud to see him and all his battle buddies stand side by side. They were standing there and all I could think was They have each other's backs. They are going to take care of each other and they will take care of us. He is going to be okay. After they got dismissed, I got to spend about forty-five minutes with him and his battle buddies. I have to admit that saying goodbye to them was VERY hard too. They have all become a part of my heart and my life and I CANNOT wait until I get to see all of them again. I am going to miss them.

But, I am going to miss my soldier the most. I am going to miss my heart; I am going to miss my soul. When I told him goodbye today, I did not want to let him go. I held on to him. I held on to his uniform. I held on to my home. Letting him go was the heardest thing I've ever had to do and this is why I am grateful for the numbness that has taken a hold of me. I am thankful for the chance to catch my breath and get my feet on the ground before the full wave of sadness/realization hits me. I am going to miss my soldier more than I can even begin to imagine right now, but I know that all my memories will keep me going. My memories will keep me going until I see him again. And before I know it, I'll see you soon.

"Let's don't say goodbye, I hate the way it sounds, so if you don't mind let's just say for now...I'll see you when I see you and I hope its some day real soon." -Jason Aldean-

Musings of a Tired College Student

First of all, I am tired beyond what words can say and I am ready for this semester to come to an end. Just four more weeks. I can do this.

On an almost completely different note, I wrote a little something today while I was in my American Lit. class. Believe me, I was trying REALLY hard to stay focused, but my mind kept wondering off to a million different things and somehow I found myself writing thoughts on paper instead of taking notes. I decided that even though what I wrote does not, per say, express or relate to my emotions towards my soldier, I still wanted to post it on here. That is because even though I don't know why or how I even wrote this, it is still something that a part of me felt the need to voice. So, here goes nothing...

In Black and White

Her white walls and her organized life, why do they hide in an all consuming darkness every night? She sees in them her life played out scene by scene and she discovers what's to come from looking in the past. If she had the courage to say "I need you," she wouldn't be where she is now. If madness had a color, it would be white, and if it had a body, it would be a lie again. She looks at the shadows on the wall, moving as if they are dancing with her silence. And she, who has been looking for something that could express her silent life, transforms the silence into words and gives them away to anyone who can explain how she will face this again. It's nothing important, she just lives in black and white. In her white walls and her organized life, her friends are right, because her weakness is her fear. If fear had a color, it would be black, if it had a body, it would be just like her. If they love you, they should find a way to tell you and if they don't, learn how to walk away! And though they all pity you for not having felt love, you pity yourself for knowing how it feels and not fighting for it: pity that no one has realized that your silence has been so loud all along. It's her choice not to risk anything; it's her choice to always "let it go" and the place where they think she's never been at is the place she hasn't been able to forget. And to whomever asks her why she always leaves, she replies with a "It's my choice," hoping that they'll be able to finally see how she is feeling. It's nothing important, she only lives in black and white.

Worth It

It has been two days since the day I let him go, and I know that now it is time to write this post.

I do not even know where to begin. These past few days have been so amazing, so challenging, and so rewarding. I got to spend my weekend with him. I got to spend three days with him. I got to spend three days with him that I will never ever ever forget. I got to read with him, play video-games with him, have dinner with him, watch movies with him, and most importantly, I got to laugh with him. I got to do everyday things with him. We got to be a normal couple for a while. It was such a wonderful weekend. I have a feeling that the memories from this weekend are going to help me get through the months that are ahead of me. I cannot even explain how much this weekend has meant to me. Also, I have no idea how to explain all the emotions I experienced while with him and while I was telling him goodbye. I have no words that are powerful enough to express the overpowering need I felt to take away his pain and his sadness.

Even though I am usually the one that has to be comforted, this weekend I felt the need to be the one that was comforting him. Before I met up with him, I promised myself that I would not cry in front of him. I did not want to leave him with that image of me, because I knew that what he needed was to see that I was going to be okay. I am proud to say that apart from a part of our weekend when a friend of mine made me cry, I did not cry in front of him. Brownie points for me!

I felt the need to write this post today because I had a dream last night that made me both proud and sad. In part of the dream a friend and I were getting ready to play a soccer game (I used to play soccer in high school) and she said: “Is he not here?” and I said:” No, he couldn't make it.” Then she made a comment that broke my heart; she said: “That’s not fair. He should be here. You deserve better than having to experience such important moments of your life all by yourself.” At that comment, I got off the ground, took my bag and walked away saying: “He is worth it,” and then I woke up. I stayed awake for a while, thinking about it and then I went back to sleep. The dream I had when I fell asleep again included my soldier. It was a happy dream. I do not know what to make of my dreams, but I know that what I said in my first dream is true: he is worth it. 

"And I will take you in my arms, and hold you right where you belong. 'Till the day my life is through, this I promise you." -NSYNC-

I'm Already There

(This was actually written last night when I came back to my dorm, but I didn't want to type it or post it until I had control over my feelings and some sleep in my system.) :)

Today was my first Spring Formal dance as a college student.

I remember the way prom used to feel. I remember how I always got excited and happy for getting to spend time with my friends and for getting to dress up and to dance to my heart's content. Yet, I also remember that each and every year I went, I ended up feeling a bit sad when all the slow songs came on and all the couples got to dance while I got to sit down and stare either at my phone or the floor. Don't get me wrong, I love songs that talk about love, and I love seeing people (especially my friends) happy. But, I guess that little part of me that used to get a bit sad during Valentine's day when I was single, also got sad at prom.

I distinctly remember an instant during my senior prom that made me actually shed a tear or two. It was the last dance. It was a slow dance. As I sat there looking at all the happy (and cute) couples, it hit me: this was my last prom. This was the last dance of my last prom, and I was sitting all by myself along with the other 3 people that didn't have a date, looking at other people dancing. I remember this moment so vividly that I even remember what song was playing. The song was "This I Promise You" by NSYNC. As I mentioned above, I ended up getting teary-eyed and I shed a tear or two, but I managed to survive it and actually smile when one of my friends walked over and told me all about how her date "is awesome."

That was 2 years ago. Back then I didn't expect to ever have to deal with those emotions ever again. I didn't know that I would end up going to a college that has a "Spring Formal." Yet, here I am, wearing a dress that makes me feel like a princess (I really need to change), sitting at my desk and writing this after a night where I got to dance and laugh with my friends. And even though I had tons of fun, that little part of myself that used to get sad at prom, found a way to get sad tonight too. When the first slow song came on, I went back to my table and bravely listened to the song and looked at the couples without really getting sad. But then, the second slow song came on and as I listened to it, my heart broke a little bit. The song was "I Knew I Loved You" by Savage Garden. I have never heard it before, but quite honestly it might have become one of my new favorite love songs. I love it. I love everything about it and the feelings it talks about are feelings I have felt (and continue to feel) for my soldier.

So, there I was again, wishing that I could dance with someone, but this time, I knew who that "someone" was. I knew who I wanted to be dancing with. I stared at my table and tried to ignore the thoughts along the lines of "You don't have to go through this. You were the one that chose this." Thoughts that have formed in my head with each "I'm sorry," "I don't know how you are going to do this," or "I don't know why you are doing this to yourself" I have heard from people ever since I started dating him. I love him and I support him and his decisions, even if it means I have to feel sad sometimes. I do not care that I had to sit down at every slow song, because I know that one day I will be able to dance with him as much as I want  to. He is worth it. He is worth this. All of it. And I know that.

Therefore, even though this was a bittersweet night, I would not change anything about it or about my life. After all, I DID get to talk to him. :) I did get to hear his voice and feel as if he was right there with me. That was amazing. As I was sitting in my car talking to him, I decided to listen to the song "I'm Already There" by Lonestar and everything just went away for a while. He was talking to me, and I was listening to a song that gives me strength: I knew I could do this. :)

Tonight was an amazing night and I have made memories that will last for a lifetime. I am so glad I got to go. And my soldier was right there with me, because he is always in my heart.

"I knew I loved you before I met you, I think I dreamed you into life. I knew I loved you before I met you, I have been waiting all my life." -Savage Garden-

Happiness

LOOK: I got featured in To Love a Soldier: Different Perspectives - Military Girlfriend
HOW awesome is that? :) Megan is an amazing blogger. You all should go read her blog and send her some love while I throw a party to celebrate this! :)

Love Never Fails

Today started the same way all of my days start.

I woke up and reached for my phone still half asleep, and just like every other morning, I saw his name on my screen. I smiled and tried to focus on his words as I fought the urge to snuggle under the covers and go back to sleep. I read over the message a few times and then listened to the song he had sent me. And then I listened to it again, and again, and again. I did not want to stop listening to it and go to class. I did not want to face reality. Most days, I am able to put my phone aside, get up and get ready to go to class, but today it was different. Today is a special day for me and my soldier.

So, while I laid in bed and thought of everything we’ve experienced this far, I couldn’t help but smile and miss him. I miss him so very much, but I love having him in my life to miss. I love every single moment I’ve spent with him. I love every single memory I have with him. I love him. I do not know why God decided to bless me so, but I am very thankful He did. I am thankful for my soldier and I am thankful for every minute I get to call him “my soldier.”

Even though I didn’t get to spend today with him, I still felt close to him. One day I will be able to spend this day and many other days with him: those days will be the best days of my life.  

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." -1 Corinthians 13:4-8-

That One Question

Questions: they can show ignorance, selfishness, and malice. Yet, they can also show love, concern, and kindness. It all has to do with how the questions are asked. Today, while I was spending time with one of my really good friends, she asked me the question that I dread hearing:"When is he leaving?"

I've heard that question a lot lately. Each time I answer: "In May," and most times that's where the conversation ends. I either get an "I'm sorry" or a "That sucks." And every time my heart hurts.Yet, today it was different. Today my friend did not tell me she was "sorry." She did not do what most of my friends did when they asked me that same question. Instead, she hugged me and said "It will be okay. You can do this." And then she encouraged me to talk about him. She encouraged me to talk about my feelings. She was there for me.

As I talked to her, I relaxed and spoke about every thought and every feeling I've had in the past few weeks. He is leaving in May. Every time I say or write this, my heart skips a few beats. I miss him, I am afraid, I am scared out of my mind, yet I am also hopeful. The good outweighs the bad, because I prefer to be away from him than to be with anyone else. I prefer to be lonely and/or scared sometimes, than to be without him. Today, I got to talk about every hope, dream, and fear I have had since the day I met him. I got to drop my guard and be myself for a while. I  did not have to hide or lie about anything and that felt so good. I love my friends and I have no idea what I would do without my friends.

I thank God every single day for all of my friends and the way they bless me each and every day of my life. I thank God for bringing me my soldier, even on days when I hear the dreaded question: "When is he leaving?" because I know that no matter what, my life has changed for the better ever since he became a part of it. I know that no matter what I have to face, I will be able to do it because he will be my motivation.

Today, I got asked the question that usually breaks my heart, yet, that question gave me the chance to heal and grow. It gave me the chance to look at myself and acknowledge the fact that I can get through anything with God's grace, my friends' support, and my soldier's love.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." -Philippians 4:13-

For A Little While Longer

I’m a military girlfriend. I never thought I would be.

And that’s how most stories start. We never think we will do something or we will face something until we are actually doing it: until we are actually facing it.

I’m a military girlfriend. I never thought I would be: not until I met him.

I see his name and his picture pop up on my cellphone screen as my phone starts playing “Save the Last Dance for Me” (the Michael Bublé version of course!) :). The caller ID tells me “My Angel” is calling me. I smile as I press “Answer.” Our conversation starts the same way it has always started. I say “Hi” and I can hear the smile in my voice. I can hear the smile in his voice as he repeats my greeting. Every call begins the same. We don’t do it on purpose. We haven’t even discussed it, but I’ve noticed it. Every call begins with a “Hi” and a smile in my voice. A smile on my face: a smile in my heart. Our conversation continues the same way it has always continued. We talk about what we did today. My day is always so different from his. I’m a sophomore in college, happily working towards an English Degree. My days are filled with books, essays, and the sound of a keyboard. There’s always one more assignment to begin, one more book to read, one more essay to finish. My days are relatively orderly. I wake up and I know that the rest of my day will be filled with classes and homework: filled with security and stability. His day is always unpredictable. He always tells me what he plans to do the next day, and he always ends up doing way more than he told me he would do: way more than I can even imagine doing. His days are filled with classes that teach him how to help and protect anyone that needs him, PT, mounted and dismounted land navigations, debriefings, and many other things that were like a foreign language to me before I met him.

My days are filled with security and a sense of stability: his are filled with situations that teach him how to bring me that security and sense of stability. His days are filled with situations that teach him how to bring all of us security and a sense of stability. As radically different as our days are, we spend our days doing one common thing: both of us spend countless moments thinking about each other…praying about each other…loving each other.

As I hear his battle buddies laugh and hear him joining them, my soul fills with joy. I can hear all of them through the phone and even though I cannot make out what they are saying, I can hear laughter: and my heart is complete. They have now all become a part of me. I pray not only for my soldier, but also for them. I pray that I will hear all of them laugh again when they come back home. He continues talking to me and I look at the time. It is 9:47 p.m.: or 2147 in military time. In thirteen short minutes it will be time for “lights-out.” In thirteen short minutes he will tell me he has to keep quiet. And shortly after that I will hear him mumble “I love you. Sweet dreams, Kristina” as he falls asleep. Once again I mumble back “I love you too. Sweet dreams.” And I remain on the line. I can hear him breathing in and out and I am comforted. I am joyous. I am blessed. I stay on the phone a while longer. It feels almost as if he is beside me. He breathes in and my lungs fill with oxygen: my world is the way it should be. As I hang up the phone, I close my eyes and offer a prayer to the One that brought us together. I ask Him to keep my soldier safe for me. I ask Him to keep all of them safe. To bring them all back home. To bring him home to me. This time I do not cry myself to sleep. I’ve made it through one more day without breaking down. I am thankful.

He hasn’t left me yet. He is still on US soil. I will be able to know that he is safe (and tired): for a little while longer. I will be able to hear him and his battle buddies laugh: for a little while longer. I will be able to hear him mumble “I love you. Sweet dreams, Kristina,” and I will be able to reassure him that I love him too: for a little while longer. I will be able to comfort him whenever he needs me: for a little while longer. I will be able to reach out to him, at any given moment, through a text or a call: for a little while longer. I will be able to breathe: for a little while longer. My life will make sense: for a little while longer.

For a little while longer.