I'm Already There

(This was actually written last night when I came back to my dorm, but I didn't want to type it or post it until I had control over my feelings and some sleep in my system.) :)

Today was my first Spring Formal dance as a college student.

I remember the way prom used to feel. I remember how I always got excited and happy for getting to spend time with my friends and for getting to dress up and to dance to my heart's content. Yet, I also remember that each and every year I went, I ended up feeling a bit sad when all the slow songs came on and all the couples got to dance while I got to sit down and stare either at my phone or the floor. Don't get me wrong, I love songs that talk about love, and I love seeing people (especially my friends) happy. But, I guess that little part of me that used to get a bit sad during Valentine's day when I was single, also got sad at prom.

I distinctly remember an instant during my senior prom that made me actually shed a tear or two. It was the last dance. It was a slow dance. As I sat there looking at all the happy (and cute) couples, it hit me: this was my last prom. This was the last dance of my last prom, and I was sitting all by myself along with the other 3 people that didn't have a date, looking at other people dancing. I remember this moment so vividly that I even remember what song was playing. The song was "This I Promise You" by NSYNC. As I mentioned above, I ended up getting teary-eyed and I shed a tear or two, but I managed to survive it and actually smile when one of my friends walked over and told me all about how her date "is awesome."

That was 2 years ago. Back then I didn't expect to ever have to deal with those emotions ever again. I didn't know that I would end up going to a college that has a "Spring Formal." Yet, here I am, wearing a dress that makes me feel like a princess (I really need to change), sitting at my desk and writing this after a night where I got to dance and laugh with my friends. And even though I had tons of fun, that little part of myself that used to get sad at prom, found a way to get sad tonight too. When the first slow song came on, I went back to my table and bravely listened to the song and looked at the couples without really getting sad. But then, the second slow song came on and as I listened to it, my heart broke a little bit. The song was "I Knew I Loved You" by Savage Garden. I have never heard it before, but quite honestly it might have become one of my new favorite love songs. I love it. I love everything about it and the feelings it talks about are feelings I have felt (and continue to feel) for my soldier.

So, there I was again, wishing that I could dance with someone, but this time, I knew who that "someone" was. I knew who I wanted to be dancing with. I stared at my table and tried to ignore the thoughts along the lines of "You don't have to go through this. You were the one that chose this." Thoughts that have formed in my head with each "I'm sorry," "I don't know how you are going to do this," or "I don't know why you are doing this to yourself" I have heard from people ever since I started dating him. I love him and I support him and his decisions, even if it means I have to feel sad sometimes. I do not care that I had to sit down at every slow song, because I know that one day I will be able to dance with him as much as I want  to. He is worth it. He is worth this. All of it. And I know that.

Therefore, even though this was a bittersweet night, I would not change anything about it or about my life. After all, I DID get to talk to him. :) I did get to hear his voice and feel as if he was right there with me. That was amazing. As I was sitting in my car talking to him, I decided to listen to the song "I'm Already There" by Lonestar and everything just went away for a while. He was talking to me, and I was listening to a song that gives me strength: I knew I could do this. :)

Tonight was an amazing night and I have made memories that will last for a lifetime. I am so glad I got to go. And my soldier was right there with me, because he is always in my heart.

"I knew I loved you before I met you, I think I dreamed you into life. I knew I loved you before I met you, I have been waiting all my life." -Savage Garden-

Happiness

LOOK: I got featured in To Love a Soldier: Different Perspectives - Military Girlfriend
HOW awesome is that? :) Megan is an amazing blogger. You all should go read her blog and send her some love while I throw a party to celebrate this! :)

Love Never Fails

Today started the same way all of my days start.

I woke up and reached for my phone still half asleep, and just like every other morning, I saw his name on my screen. I smiled and tried to focus on his words as I fought the urge to snuggle under the covers and go back to sleep. I read over the message a few times and then listened to the song he had sent me. And then I listened to it again, and again, and again. I did not want to stop listening to it and go to class. I did not want to face reality. Most days, I am able to put my phone aside, get up and get ready to go to class, but today it was different. Today is a special day for me and my soldier.

So, while I laid in bed and thought of everything we’ve experienced this far, I couldn’t help but smile and miss him. I miss him so very much, but I love having him in my life to miss. I love every single moment I’ve spent with him. I love every single memory I have with him. I love him. I do not know why God decided to bless me so, but I am very thankful He did. I am thankful for my soldier and I am thankful for every minute I get to call him “my soldier.”

Even though I didn’t get to spend today with him, I still felt close to him. One day I will be able to spend this day and many other days with him: those days will be the best days of my life.  

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." -1 Corinthians 13:4-8-

That One Question

Questions: they can show ignorance, selfishness, and malice. Yet, they can also show love, concern, and kindness. It all has to do with how the questions are asked. Today, while I was spending time with one of my really good friends, she asked me the question that I dread hearing:"When is he leaving?"

I've heard that question a lot lately. Each time I answer: "In May," and most times that's where the conversation ends. I either get an "I'm sorry" or a "That sucks." And every time my heart hurts.Yet, today it was different. Today my friend did not tell me she was "sorry." She did not do what most of my friends did when they asked me that same question. Instead, she hugged me and said "It will be okay. You can do this." And then she encouraged me to talk about him. She encouraged me to talk about my feelings. She was there for me.

As I talked to her, I relaxed and spoke about every thought and every feeling I've had in the past few weeks. He is leaving in May. Every time I say or write this, my heart skips a few beats. I miss him, I am afraid, I am scared out of my mind, yet I am also hopeful. The good outweighs the bad, because I prefer to be away from him than to be with anyone else. I prefer to be lonely and/or scared sometimes, than to be without him. Today, I got to talk about every hope, dream, and fear I have had since the day I met him. I got to drop my guard and be myself for a while. I  did not have to hide or lie about anything and that felt so good. I love my friends and I have no idea what I would do without my friends.

I thank God every single day for all of my friends and the way they bless me each and every day of my life. I thank God for bringing me my soldier, even on days when I hear the dreaded question: "When is he leaving?" because I know that no matter what, my life has changed for the better ever since he became a part of it. I know that no matter what I have to face, I will be able to do it because he will be my motivation.

Today, I got asked the question that usually breaks my heart, yet, that question gave me the chance to heal and grow. It gave me the chance to look at myself and acknowledge the fact that I can get through anything with God's grace, my friends' support, and my soldier's love.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." -Philippians 4:13-

For A Little While Longer

I’m a military girlfriend. I never thought I would be.

And that’s how most stories start. We never think we will do something or we will face something until we are actually doing it: until we are actually facing it.

I’m a military girlfriend. I never thought I would be: not until I met him.

I see his name and his picture pop up on my cellphone screen as my phone starts playing “Save the Last Dance for Me” (the Michael Bublé version of course!) :). The caller ID tells me “My Angel” is calling me. I smile as I press “Answer.” Our conversation starts the same way it has always started. I say “Hi” and I can hear the smile in my voice. I can hear the smile in his voice as he repeats my greeting. Every call begins the same. We don’t do it on purpose. We haven’t even discussed it, but I’ve noticed it. Every call begins with a “Hi” and a smile in my voice. A smile on my face: a smile in my heart. Our conversation continues the same way it has always continued. We talk about what we did today. My day is always so different from his. I’m a sophomore in college, happily working towards an English Degree. My days are filled with books, essays, and the sound of a keyboard. There’s always one more assignment to begin, one more book to read, one more essay to finish. My days are relatively orderly. I wake up and I know that the rest of my day will be filled with classes and homework: filled with security and stability. His day is always unpredictable. He always tells me what he plans to do the next day, and he always ends up doing way more than he told me he would do: way more than I can even imagine doing. His days are filled with classes that teach him how to help and protect anyone that needs him, PT, mounted and dismounted land navigations, debriefings, and many other things that were like a foreign language to me before I met him.

My days are filled with security and a sense of stability: his are filled with situations that teach him how to bring me that security and sense of stability. His days are filled with situations that teach him how to bring all of us security and a sense of stability. As radically different as our days are, we spend our days doing one common thing: both of us spend countless moments thinking about each other…praying about each other…loving each other.

As I hear his battle buddies laugh and hear him joining them, my soul fills with joy. I can hear all of them through the phone and even though I cannot make out what they are saying, I can hear laughter: and my heart is complete. They have now all become a part of me. I pray not only for my soldier, but also for them. I pray that I will hear all of them laugh again when they come back home. He continues talking to me and I look at the time. It is 9:47 p.m.: or 2147 in military time. In thirteen short minutes it will be time for “lights-out.” In thirteen short minutes he will tell me he has to keep quiet. And shortly after that I will hear him mumble “I love you. Sweet dreams, Kristina” as he falls asleep. Once again I mumble back “I love you too. Sweet dreams.” And I remain on the line. I can hear him breathing in and out and I am comforted. I am joyous. I am blessed. I stay on the phone a while longer. It feels almost as if he is beside me. He breathes in and my lungs fill with oxygen: my world is the way it should be. As I hang up the phone, I close my eyes and offer a prayer to the One that brought us together. I ask Him to keep my soldier safe for me. I ask Him to keep all of them safe. To bring them all back home. To bring him home to me. This time I do not cry myself to sleep. I’ve made it through one more day without breaking down. I am thankful.

He hasn’t left me yet. He is still on US soil. I will be able to know that he is safe (and tired): for a little while longer. I will be able to hear him and his battle buddies laugh: for a little while longer. I will be able to hear him mumble “I love you. Sweet dreams, Kristina,” and I will be able to reassure him that I love him too: for a little while longer. I will be able to comfort him whenever he needs me: for a little while longer. I will be able to reach out to him, at any given moment, through a text or a call: for a little while longer. I will be able to breathe: for a little while longer. My life will make sense: for a little while longer.

For a little while longer.