I'm Already There

(This was actually written last night when I came back to my dorm, but I didn't want to type it or post it until I had control over my feelings and some sleep in my system.) :)

Today was my first Spring Formal dance as a college student.

I remember the way prom used to feel. I remember how I always got excited and happy for getting to spend time with my friends and for getting to dress up and to dance to my heart's content. Yet, I also remember that each and every year I went, I ended up feeling a bit sad when all the slow songs came on and all the couples got to dance while I got to sit down and stare either at my phone or the floor. Don't get me wrong, I love songs that talk about love, and I love seeing people (especially my friends) happy. But, I guess that little part of me that used to get a bit sad during Valentine's day when I was single, also got sad at prom.

I distinctly remember an instant during my senior prom that made me actually shed a tear or two. It was the last dance. It was a slow dance. As I sat there looking at all the happy (and cute) couples, it hit me: this was my last prom. This was the last dance of my last prom, and I was sitting all by myself along with the other 3 people that didn't have a date, looking at other people dancing. I remember this moment so vividly that I even remember what song was playing. The song was "This I Promise You" by NSYNC. As I mentioned above, I ended up getting teary-eyed and I shed a tear or two, but I managed to survive it and actually smile when one of my friends walked over and told me all about how her date "is awesome."

That was 2 years ago. Back then I didn't expect to ever have to deal with those emotions ever again. I didn't know that I would end up going to a college that has a "Spring Formal." Yet, here I am, wearing a dress that makes me feel like a princess (I really need to change), sitting at my desk and writing this after a night where I got to dance and laugh with my friends. And even though I had tons of fun, that little part of myself that used to get sad at prom, found a way to get sad tonight too. When the first slow song came on, I went back to my table and bravely listened to the song and looked at the couples without really getting sad. But then, the second slow song came on and as I listened to it, my heart broke a little bit. The song was "I Knew I Loved You" by Savage Garden. I have never heard it before, but quite honestly it might have become one of my new favorite love songs. I love it. I love everything about it and the feelings it talks about are feelings I have felt (and continue to feel) for my soldier.

So, there I was again, wishing that I could dance with someone, but this time, I knew who that "someone" was. I knew who I wanted to be dancing with. I stared at my table and tried to ignore the thoughts along the lines of "You don't have to go through this. You were the one that chose this." Thoughts that have formed in my head with each "I'm sorry," "I don't know how you are going to do this," or "I don't know why you are doing this to yourself" I have heard from people ever since I started dating him. I love him and I support him and his decisions, even if it means I have to feel sad sometimes. I do not care that I had to sit down at every slow song, because I know that one day I will be able to dance with him as much as I want  to. He is worth it. He is worth this. All of it. And I know that.

Therefore, even though this was a bittersweet night, I would not change anything about it or about my life. After all, I DID get to talk to him. :) I did get to hear his voice and feel as if he was right there with me. That was amazing. As I was sitting in my car talking to him, I decided to listen to the song "I'm Already There" by Lonestar and everything just went away for a while. He was talking to me, and I was listening to a song that gives me strength: I knew I could do this. :)

Tonight was an amazing night and I have made memories that will last for a lifetime. I am so glad I got to go. And my soldier was right there with me, because he is always in my heart.

"I knew I loved you before I met you, I think I dreamed you into life. I knew I loved you before I met you, I have been waiting all my life." -Savage Garden-