Somewhere

If you love me, don't worry about the distance,
Don't worry about where I am or where you are,
Just hide me deep inside your heart
And we will meet each other somewhere.

If you love me, cross the border lines with me,
Don't look back, don't let go of my hand.
Forget the should not's and must not's,
And we will meet each other somewhere.

"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." -Isaiah 41:10-

Flowers

First of all, I would like to take a moment to express my sincere and outmost sympathy to the families of the people that were affected by the Boston bombing and the families of the people that were affected by the Texas plant explosion. My heart goes out to all of them. I cannot even imagine how that feels...I can't imagine finding out that a person I love is not coming back home. I cannot imagine finding out that I will never see him or her again. My heart has been aching since Monday and Wednesday came to add to that ache. I pray to God that He will rest the souls of every person He called Home, and I pray that He will give peace and strength to their families.

On Monday, when I heard the news, my first instinct was to pray. When I was finished praying, I stood there staring at the screen, with tears running down my face, and something caught my attention: the footage that shows two men dressed in military uniforms running towards the smoke and the chaos to help those that needed them. As I stood there looking at the screen, my heart skipped a few beats as I thought of my soldier. And then my mind started racing. How will all this affect his life? How will it affect his job?

My soldier is well. My soldier is still on American soil, but I can't help but think about the fact that in less than a month he won't be on American soil anymore. He is leaving and taking my home and my heart with him. I pray every night and every moment of my day that he will be safe and happy while away from me. I pray that he will protect his battle buddies and all of us, and then return safely home to me. I trust him and I trust our God. I know that He will take care of my soldier, and that thought keeps me going, even when things get tough.

On a happier note, he sent me flowers on Wednsdey. Twelve beautiful roses. I am looking at them as I am typing this and I can't help but smile. He is so good to me. So loving and so caring. I don't know what I would do without him. He is my angel. As today comes to a close, I can't help but thank God for bringing him in to  my life. He has been such a blessing to me, and I cannot wait until I get to be in his arms once again. I cannot wait until I am home again.

"Settle down, it will all be clear. Don't pay no mind to the demons that fill you with fear. The trouble, it might drag you down. If you get lost you can always be found, just know you are not alone, 'cause I'm gonna make this place your home."

I'll See You Soon

"I'll see you soon." That's our signature phrase. I used it in my first letter to him and it has stuck with us now. :)

Today, I told him my final face-to-face "I'll see you soon." For the next eleven months my "I'll see you soon"s will be told in letters, e-mails, and the occasional calls/Skype calls. I don't think that reality has completely hit me yet. I fear the moment it will hit me, but for now, I am going to accept God's grace. I need this numbness to last as much as possible...

I took him to the armory this morning and I got to see him stand in formation. And even though I was fighting back tears, I felt so very proud to see him and all his battle buddies stand side by side. They were standing there and all I could think was They have each other's backs. They are going to take care of each other and they will take care of us. He is going to be okay. After they got dismissed, I got to spend about forty-five minutes with him and his battle buddies. I have to admit that saying goodbye to them was VERY hard too. They have all become a part of my heart and my life and I CANNOT wait until I get to see all of them again. I am going to miss them.

But, I am going to miss my soldier the most. I am going to miss my heart; I am going to miss my soul. When I told him goodbye today, I did not want to let him go. I held on to him. I held on to his uniform. I held on to my home. Letting him go was the heardest thing I've ever had to do and this is why I am grateful for the numbness that has taken a hold of me. I am thankful for the chance to catch my breath and get my feet on the ground before the full wave of sadness/realization hits me. I am going to miss my soldier more than I can even begin to imagine right now, but I know that all my memories will keep me going. My memories will keep me going until I see him again. And before I know it, I'll see you soon.

"Let's don't say goodbye, I hate the way it sounds, so if you don't mind let's just say for now...I'll see you when I see you and I hope its some day real soon." -Jason Aldean-

Musings of a Tired College Student

First of all, I am tired beyond what words can say and I am ready for this semester to come to an end. Just four more weeks. I can do this.

On an almost completely different note, I wrote a little something today while I was in my American Lit. class. Believe me, I was trying REALLY hard to stay focused, but my mind kept wondering off to a million different things and somehow I found myself writing thoughts on paper instead of taking notes. I decided that even though what I wrote does not, per say, express or relate to my emotions towards my soldier, I still wanted to post it on here. That is because even though I don't know why or how I even wrote this, it is still something that a part of me felt the need to voice. So, here goes nothing...

In Black and White

Her white walls and her organized life, why do they hide in an all consuming darkness every night? She sees in them her life played out scene by scene and she discovers what's to come from looking in the past. If she had the courage to say "I need you," she wouldn't be where she is now. If madness had a color, it would be white, and if it had a body, it would be a lie again. She looks at the shadows on the wall, moving as if they are dancing with her silence. And she, who has been looking for something that could express her silent life, transforms the silence into words and gives them away to anyone who can explain how she will face this again. It's nothing important, she just lives in black and white. In her white walls and her organized life, her friends are right, because her weakness is her fear. If fear had a color, it would be black, if it had a body, it would be just like her. If they love you, they should find a way to tell you and if they don't, learn how to walk away! And though they all pity you for not having felt love, you pity yourself for knowing how it feels and not fighting for it: pity that no one has realized that your silence has been so loud all along. It's her choice not to risk anything; it's her choice to always "let it go" and the place where they think she's never been at is the place she hasn't been able to forget. And to whomever asks her why she always leaves, she replies with a "It's my choice," hoping that they'll be able to finally see how she is feeling. It's nothing important, she only lives in black and white.

Worth It

It has been two days since the day I let him go, and I know that now it is time to write this post.

I do not even know where to begin. These past few days have been so amazing, so challenging, and so rewarding. I got to spend my weekend with him. I got to spend three days with him. I got to spend three days with him that I will never ever ever forget. I got to read with him, play video-games with him, have dinner with him, watch movies with him, and most importantly, I got to laugh with him. I got to do everyday things with him. We got to be a normal couple for a while. It was such a wonderful weekend. I have a feeling that the memories from this weekend are going to help me get through the months that are ahead of me. I cannot even explain how much this weekend has meant to me. Also, I have no idea how to explain all the emotions I experienced while with him and while I was telling him goodbye. I have no words that are powerful enough to express the overpowering need I felt to take away his pain and his sadness.

Even though I am usually the one that has to be comforted, this weekend I felt the need to be the one that was comforting him. Before I met up with him, I promised myself that I would not cry in front of him. I did not want to leave him with that image of me, because I knew that what he needed was to see that I was going to be okay. I am proud to say that apart from a part of our weekend when a friend of mine made me cry, I did not cry in front of him. Brownie points for me!

I felt the need to write this post today because I had a dream last night that made me both proud and sad. In part of the dream a friend and I were getting ready to play a soccer game (I used to play soccer in high school) and she said: “Is he not here?” and I said:” No, he couldn't make it.” Then she made a comment that broke my heart; she said: “That’s not fair. He should be here. You deserve better than having to experience such important moments of your life all by yourself.” At that comment, I got off the ground, took my bag and walked away saying: “He is worth it,” and then I woke up. I stayed awake for a while, thinking about it and then I went back to sleep. The dream I had when I fell asleep again included my soldier. It was a happy dream. I do not know what to make of my dreams, but I know that what I said in my first dream is true: he is worth it. 

"And I will take you in my arms, and hold you right where you belong. 'Till the day my life is through, this I promise you." -NSYNC-