Worth It

It has been two days since the day I let him go, and I know that now it is time to write this post.

I do not even know where to begin. These past few days have been so amazing, so challenging, and so rewarding. I got to spend my weekend with him. I got to spend three days with him. I got to spend three days with him that I will never ever ever forget. I got to read with him, play video-games with him, have dinner with him, watch movies with him, and most importantly, I got to laugh with him. I got to do everyday things with him. We got to be a normal couple for a while. It was such a wonderful weekend. I have a feeling that the memories from this weekend are going to help me get through the months that are ahead of me. I cannot even explain how much this weekend has meant to me. Also, I have no idea how to explain all the emotions I experienced while with him and while I was telling him goodbye. I have no words that are powerful enough to express the overpowering need I felt to take away his pain and his sadness.

Even though I am usually the one that has to be comforted, this weekend I felt the need to be the one that was comforting him. Before I met up with him, I promised myself that I would not cry in front of him. I did not want to leave him with that image of me, because I knew that what he needed was to see that I was going to be okay. I am proud to say that apart from a part of our weekend when a friend of mine made me cry, I did not cry in front of him. Brownie points for me!

I felt the need to write this post today because I had a dream last night that made me both proud and sad. In part of the dream a friend and I were getting ready to play a soccer game (I used to play soccer in high school) and she said: “Is he not here?” and I said:” No, he couldn't make it.” Then she made a comment that broke my heart; she said: “That’s not fair. He should be here. You deserve better than having to experience such important moments of your life all by yourself.” At that comment, I got off the ground, took my bag and walked away saying: “He is worth it,” and then I woke up. I stayed awake for a while, thinking about it and then I went back to sleep. The dream I had when I fell asleep again included my soldier. It was a happy dream. I do not know what to make of my dreams, but I know that what I said in my first dream is true: he is worth it. 

"And I will take you in my arms, and hold you right where you belong. 'Till the day my life is through, this I promise you." -NSYNC-