Close your Eyes

How do you say goodbye? That question has been in my heart since the moment I fell for him. How will I be able to say goodbye for almost a year? It's not a permanent goodbye, and I know that we will be in touch through letters, e-mails, and calls, but it's still difficult...it's difficult to express all of my thoughts and feelings in a single "I'll see you soon." I have been thinking intently about this for the past few weeks. I don't know how to tell him all I want to tell him when the dreaded day comes and he has to leave. It is closer now, and I am stuck. I've had to say many goodbyes before, but this is a different kind of goodbye. He is not going on a vacation. His days won't consist of rainbows, butterflies, and sunshine. His daily activities will be a little more life threatening. Yet, I know that my soldier will find a way to see the beauty and blessings in each day, like he has always done. And I know that I will do the same.

To me, it is extremely frustrating when I hear people say something along the lines of "He will be gone for almost a whole year? How are you going to handle that?" That is a very good question, BUT it gives me comfort that hundreds of thousands of mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, wives, husbands, girlfriends, boyfriends, daughters and sons, etc. have "handled that" before me. I am not the first and I won't be the last that has to face this. There have been thousands before me and there will be thousands after me. And somehow, that gives me a sense of comfort. When people ask me if I can handle it, I feel like they are suggesting that I can't be as strong as those who came before me, and in those moments, my pride kicks in and I become the fighter I was born to be. I can do this.

Yet, that question is not the one that frustrates me the most. The question that drives me insane is the one that goes something like this: "Are you going to wait for him?" I mean, quite honestly, I mostly want to laugh at that question. Granted, we aren't married, so we have nothing contractually binding us to stay together, so in one way, the question is well founded. But, in another way, it reflects a few things about the asker's character. She/he is indicating that she/he thinks that it is okay to break off a perfectly functioning relationship, just because one of the partners is going away for a certain amount of time. In my opinion, it reduces the relationship to something solely based on physical presence, instead of something encompassing so much more! And on top of that, my boyfriend is going away in order to perform duties that ensure the asker's freedom, even if she/he is completely unaware of it. One can agree or disagree with the US involvement in Afghanistan or Iraq, but one cannot disagree with the self-sacrifice of all the soldiers. So, WHY would anyone think that I would want to break off my relationship with such a person? Why would I break off my relationship with a person who is selfless and caring? If I did that, I would seriously be out of my mind.

No matter what people tell me, when I see the pitty in their eyes, I become livid. They seem to forget that my position is the "easy" one.  They forget to respect the fact that his position is a thousand times harder than mine. I am just losing him from my daily life...he is basically losing his daily life. Well, not losing it, but I guess trading it. Trading every daily freedom and luxury for a life on a base, for meals at the chow hall, and the list goes on and on. He is trading all these things, in order to do the job he has been training for. So, even though I may want to wallow in my sadness, complaining about how much I am going to miss him, I don't have the heart to. I don't have the heart to, because I respect the fact that HIS position is the difficult one, not mine. I am not going to lie, on occasion I wallow in my sadness like it's going out of style, but I try to keep it short. Both for his sake and mine.

One day soon, he will be getting on a plane that will be taking him to Afghanistan. Usually, when someone you know is getting on a plane, you wish her/him a good flight. But somehow, the flight doesn't seem important to me. What is important to me is the landing. It is all about the moment he gets there. I wonder how that will make him feel. I wonder how I will feel the moment I have to tell him my final "I'll see you soon," before he steps on that plane. I know that part of me will try to pretend that this is like any other "I'll see you soon" we've said. I will try to pretend that in a few days  I will be seeing him again, and I will try not to cry and turn into a basket case. But, part of me will want to give that moment the honor and respect it deserves. I want to acknowledge the fact that I won't be seeing this wonderful man for a long time. How can I convey in a single "I'll see you soon" all these emotions? How can I say "Be safe," "Do a good job," "I'm so unbeliveably proud of you," "I'll miss you," "I can't wait to see you again," "It has been an honor knowing you and I will always cherish the time I have spent with you," and "Come home to me" all in one single phrase? I hope to find the answer to that question soon.

"Close your eyes, and let me tell you all the reasons why I  think you’re one of a kind. Here’s to you, the one that always pulls us through, always do what you've got to do. You’re one of a kind, thank God you're mine. You’re an angel dressed in armor. You’re the fair in every fight. You’re my life and my safe harbor, where the sun sets every night. And if my love is blind, I don’t want to see the light. My soul is yours to save, and I know this much is true, when my world was dark and blue, I know the only one who rescued me was you. When your love pours down on me, I know I’m finally free. So, I tell you gratefully, every single beat in my heart is yours to keep. You’re the reason why I’m breathing. With a little look my way, you’re the reason that I’m feeling it’s finally safe to stay." -Close your Eyes by Michael Buble-